Once upon a galaxy, I felt controlled by Others. Now I know Everyone Is Myself Pushed Out. Here is some judgement of the treatment I received from a parental unit, where I chose to set boundaries of no contact.

I need to say some things to you, which are difficult for me to say.

I need you to be more supportive of me and my choices. Even if you don’t believe the words yourself, I’d love to hear you say “I’m so happy that you are happy.” This is with regard to me and my choice to move to Texas, to live with L, to wear this necklace, to do or anything that I enjoy. I want you to be happy for me and if you aren’t I need you to fake it.

I would like to accept your offer to go with you to Ireland but I need to set several boundaries with you before I will agree to go on another trip with you. The offer to go to Ireland is generous, but it feels manipulative to me. I feel like you are trying to cling to me and I don’t like the feeling.

I love you. I dislike your recent behavior. Remember how you told S and I that if you start acting like Granny to take you out back and shoot you? Well you won’t like this, but I don’t have a gun so, no worries.

1. I want for all 3 of us to go on another trip together. S and I did not have any problem being in the same hotel room together, and you know that. That was not the biggest reason that our trip to Spain was less than fun for all of us. Your behavior was inappropriate and I think you would do things differently now if you could.  (Saying “fuck you” on the bus to S and I and then having a crying tantrum in our room later with a forced apology from you, and the overreaction to the rash on your ankle).
2. I want all 3 of us to decide on a place that we would like to visit together. Not just one that I would love.
3. I am broke. S isn’t wealthy either. I can’t afford anything on a future trip with you so I will need you to be able to also pay for all meals, travel and incidentals for me please if we do go.
4. I want you to make up with S. It is unacceptable for you to be angry with her over whatever you are holding against her. You treat her differently from me because she can’t spend time with you like I could. I’m worried you’re going to hold my absence on a sailboat against me. Forgive her for whatever she did that made you angry and ask for her forgiveness for being less-than-supportive recently. They’re just words. Don’t be afraid of words. Give her the care that you wish your mother had shown toward you.
5. I would love for you to be more generous with others. I almost cried when you said that you get requests for books and that you send them to your publisher for them to deal with because you have to pay for shipping the books. That’s sad and I know that you can’t afford to do it every time, but do it, and feel good about not only helping people, but getting your book in the hands of readers. Your late Christmas January gift of 2 qty, plastic container ricey krisp peanut butter chocolate covered hard ball gift that you yourself couldn’t, or wouldn’t eat, that you made me help you make to give to your neighbors, was tacky. You can afford a $5 gift per person, and they know it when you brag about going to Africa. Buy something that they’d all like, like a small plant.
6. You also need to be more generous with yourself. Buy the good toilet paper, use a fresh lemon every day, make a fresh pot of excellent coffee in the morning, enjoy all the small daily pleasures. You’re worth it. I see you restricting yourself to cheap quality items and acting like you don’t deserve the good stuff.
7. I think that you have repressed anger toward your mother and self-esteem issues. I think it would be an excellent idea for you to see a master’s level counselor on a regular basis and find a healthy outlet for your anger. Your art or writing would be perfect.
8. I have a lot of personal work to do for my own self-esteem. As a result I will be pulling back from spending time with you. This is my choice for my own mental health and I need you to respect that choice. I would like to talk with you on the phone during this time apart.
9.  I want us to plan this trip, wherever it is, for about 2 years from now. Not this year, not next year. Let’s say 2018, whatever time of year is best for wherever we are going to travel.
10.  In the meantime, I would love to have you come spend time with me and L wherever we are. Take a plane trip, get a hotel, and come see the things that we are seeing. I want you to see why I’m happy and I want you to see me happy in my happy place.
11.  Please think about, and maybe write down, what love looks like to you. And then work to give that to others. S and I don’t feel love from you right now. That’s sad for us and it makes us angry too.

That’s a lot to take in, I can imagine. I want you to make a choice today to stop being angry and to start choosing to be generous, kind, loving and supportive to everyone, always, and especially to yourself.

When someone does something that pisses you off, say so. Don’t put their name on a list of people you keep your love from. Say “That made me feel angry because it isn’t what I want.” And then ask for what you want and try to find a compromise that works for both of you.

I see you as the Grinch or Scrooge right now. If you can have a change of heart, like the people on the subway in your story, then it’s not too late for you to have a happy, fulfilling life with your daughters and friends until the ripe old of age of 97. If not, you’ll live an angry, bitter, resentful, and lonely life without us.

Remember, I love you.  This is about your behavior, not you. You are a good person. You can choose your behavior and your reactions. I am not pushing you away, I am setting boundaries for myself for what I chose in my life. I choose only good things right now, for my healing.

Right now you can choose to be angry or you can choose to accept what I have said and work to change your mindset. You can say “Thank you for having the courage to tell me that. I love you for it.” That would be a great start.

Then…. when she was asked to help cover any incidentals for a proposed Ireland trip I added the following parental unit judgements……

You are the one person that I’ve asked to help me with this and you are obviously financially capable of helping me, but you have said that you are not going to help me because I can probably save the money between now and then.

I perceive that you withhold small things like this from me in an attempt to control me and what I spend my money on. I dislike this behavior of yours. This one thing that I asked for is important to me. Read that again. This is important to me.

You paying for incidentals and meals is necessary to me in order for me to be willing go on vacation with you and be happy about it. If this is not possible then I need to decline the offer to go on the trip with you.

I also am hurt that you do not want to come and see me, enjoying myself, living here in Texas, on a sailboat, with the man that I love. Your excuse of it being too hot is not valid. You are welcome any time of year. There are nearby hotels with air conditioning. We have air conditioning on the boat. Your excuse of being afraid of the ocean is not valid because we are on Clear Creek, not the ocean. If you don’t want to come then that is of course, your choice.

But this is a choice that Granny made too, right? Never coming to see you or Dad? Never really embracing your husband as a member of her family? L and I have been together for 6 years.

Again, I feel like you are avoiding coming to see me on purpose to cause me hurt or to cause me to choose between you and living here with L, which I have already chosen. I do not expect you to include L in these trips, but you certainly seem to exclude him from almost everything else.

You never ask about him. You obviously think or hope that my relationship is doomed. Whether I stay with Louis or not is my choice, but I certainly want you to support all of my choices because they are mine and because they make me happy, And I think you should want me to be happy.

This is just like how you say that you hate my choker necklace. My leather and silver Silpada choker necklace that is my signature piece that I wear all the time. I clearly love it. I have clearly chosen to wear it. You told me that you do not like it.

Will you truly be happy if I take it off? I would not be happy. Would you still be happy knowing that I took it off just to make you happy, or would you rather that I keep it on, knowing that it was my choice to do so, and that choosing to wear it and continue wearing makes me happy and that it has nothing to do with you?

And then there was more……..

Dear Mother,

You are not capable of unselfish, unconditional love. That makes me sad.

I couldn’t have the childhood that I wish I had. That makes me angry.

You are ungrateful for gifts that I give you. That makes me sad.

I listen to you complain about the flowers being poor quality, or the can opener not working right, but you never thanked me for the really thoughtful, long note that I wrote in your card, which I thought was the best gift I could give you because It cost me nothing and I thanked you for giving me a love of words. That makes me angry.

You send me an email rather than calling me. That makes me sad.

In your email I read at least two reasons that you are making me feel bad for not seeing you. That makes me angry.

You are taking away my choice to visit you. That makes me furious. I am not a child.

I do not want to visit you. That makes me sad.

You have a horrid relationship with your other daughter, who is amazing, and thoughtful, and fucked-up-in-the-head angry at you for holding something – neither of us knows what – against her, while thinking that you have a good relationship with me. That makes me sad.

I come to your house to be told what to do and what to look at and where to sit and what to eat. That makes me overwhelmed.

I want to make my own choices. Not being able to, makes me angry.

I refused your offer of a tasteless ball of sugary, rice-crispy peanut butter crap covered in chocolate that you guilt-forced me to make for your neighbors — which is the crappiest, cheapest, least-thoughtful, late Christmas gift that you could offer them (in January) — and I had to refuse you more than three times while you made me feel guilty for wasting food. I am overweight. You are a dick.

You have a selfish need for attention and approval. Throwing tantrums is childish, like you did twice on our Spain trip. It embarrasses me and makes me feel sad for you.

You had a shitty childhood too. That is sad. I almost don’t feel sympathy for you though, because I now feel like you are trying to make that my problem. That makes me angry.

I want to tell you these things but I am so scared of your reaction that I pulled hair out of my head last night and hated myself for it. I want to be able to tell you how you make me feel and that I can’t take anymore, but I don’t know if I have the courage to, and that makes me sad. But I’m going to try to find the courage, and that makes me happy for myself.

Your own neighbor, S_y has told you to fuck off at least twice (that I know of) because of your behavior toward her.

You asked me for input on your story. I gave you three or four excellent and honest suggestions and you probed me for more.  You get no more until you appreciate what you’ve been given.

I have to tell myself that I am good, and smart, and strong, and better than the behavior that you display. I am trying so hard to cure myself of my mental illness. I have tremendous anxiety over every interaction with you. You take every word personally. You have low self-esteem. So do I. I hate that we have that in common. I hate that I have that. This sucks.

Yes, your fears are correct, I love dad more because he accepts me and loves me just as I am and respects my desires. You do not.

You respect your desires. You want me to come over. I do not. You want me to listen to your story and give you feedback. I do not. You want me to roll dough balls. I do not. You want me to hold your hand. I do not. You want me to cry when I leave you. I do not. You want me to leave my boyfriend and live with you. I do not. You want me to be afraid of being on a boat in the water. I do not. You want me to drive you to Uncle M. I do not. You want me to look at your drawings. I do not.

You do not ask me about my life. In fact, I have to diarrhea-dump my life events on you or you will never know what is happening for me. I even bet L that you won’t ask about my job with K, so you’ll never know what changed. That makes me sad.

I feel like you hold things over my head, like the Spain trip that you paid for, or my future inheritance, as proof of your love, and in return, you expect my frequent visits, hand-holding and mother-worship.

I do not want to visit you so much that you can burn the damn money rather than having you hold it like a bribe for me. The pain isn’t worth it. It makes me sad and anxious and angry.

Can you see beyond your nose? Can you put someone else’s needs before your own? Can you heal yourself? Can you seek help? Or do I need to take you out back and shoot you like you said we should do if you ever end up like Granny?

But then I would go to jail. Oh fuck it maybe they’ll get me off on an insanity plea or say it was a justifiable homicide. Let’s do this.

Your eldest, and crazy-awesome daughter,

Teresa

and finally, before the excommunication and radio silence from 2019 until now……

Mom,

I sent you that email to help myself have an honest relationship with you. I love you and I want a better relationship with you.

I forgive any hurt that you have ever given me, because I know that it was not intentional, and I love you so much because you love me in your way.

Do you forgive me for saying hurtful words to you?

I want you to show love to me in my way. In the way that makes me happy, not in the way that makes you happy. I will show love to you in the way that makes you happy too, because that is kindness.

I need you to open your heart to love. Care, deeply for those who need it, like your daughters and your hurting neighbors. To show care, we give others what they need, not what we think they need.

I want you to give yourself a lot of love so you don’t take things personally. Please read The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. One of the agreements is Don’t Take Things Personally. This one book has opened my eyes in many ways and I will never be the same person. I want this eye-opening experience for you as well.  

Build your self-esteem so you don’t feel hurt, angry, or sad if someone says something hurtful to you. Say “That is just their opinion and they don’t know me as well as I know me. I love me as I am.”

When you feel love from inside, you will be able to give more love to others.

Self-love is good hygiene. Exercise, good food, doing things that feed your soul and that makes you feel joyful. Self-love is also self-discipline, good sleep, self-awareness, balance, god-love, faith in self and god’s will, working to make self strong enough to be an instrument of God’s will, working to be able to cause love in others, facing psychological sadness, fears, questioning incorrect beliefs, accepting flaws unconditionally, accepting accountability for mistakes, sexual health, awareness of thoughts, awareness of connection to God through thoughts, words, actions and creative output, embracing self as perfect as God created you, and exactly as you were meant to be.

Self-love is also good mental and emotional care. If you don’t let out your emotions they fester. Let them out through speaking your peace, creative work like art or writing, physical activity, counseling, or find your own way.

Use your voice to speak up if someone hurts your feelings. Say “That hurt my feelings. I need you to ____.”

Question your thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself, am I angry, sad or afraid? Why do I feel that way? Can I choose love or joy instead?

Question your fears. Why are you afraid to drive on the freeway? You are an excellent driver without an accident. Trust in your skills and capabilities. Why are you afraid of the ocean? You have never been in an ocean accident. Do news stories make you fearful? Was your mother afraid of the ocean?

Find healthy ways to manage anxiety, deep breathing, squeezing muscles to relax yourself when you do something that makes you anxious, stretching, etc. 

Become mindful and always focused on how you can be a better person today. How you can cause more love to happen in your life?

I want you to listen more, talk less. Ask questions more.

Treat people with the Golden Rule, or even better, the Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule is to treat others the way they want to be treated. How do you know? Ask them what they like and then give it to them, as much as possible.

I need you to be happy for all of my decisions and to be less critical of me.  If you can’t say something nice, then please don’t say anything at all.

I so want to share everything amazing that is happening in my life with you, but right now you aren’t willing to receive it, because you want to change my destiny. You want me to stay with you and be single. That makes me sad that you can’t see that this is what I was meant to do.

I know in my heart that you and I will have a wonderful future relationship together, because we both want it.

We both want that.

I love you forever (Please don’t compete and say you love me more).

Your fucking-amazing daughter,

Teresa

P.S. S is almost equally amazing, by the way, but she’s got hurts that need healing too.

And, in the end, no one can make you feel less than, unless you give them that power. So it is me, my own attitude, that has made me feel ‘less than’ in the eyes of my domesticators. I learned quickly what pleases them, how to jump through the hoops and pretend to be what I’m not. I now undomesticate the fuck out of myself. Anything that anyone ever taught me is up for question to my highest authority, my Source within that knows my truth. By my own innate consent, intent, and authority, I now call forth the power that I am. I now call forth the power, THAT, I AM. I now call forth the awesome universal lifeforce and magnificent POWER, that, I AM.