New York Times author Beverly Smuts (wow gurl, you got teased) writes in her cleverly titled “No More Wire Mothers Ever article that ‘contact comfort’ is something we need, and we can suffer from a lack of it. Contact comfort is the relief associated with being comforted physically, by a nurturing other. Unfortunately, very few of us have our comfort needs fulfilled.

 

The concept comes from research by Harlow where infant monkeys were given a surrogate ‘mother’ in the form of a cloth monkey-mom with no bottle or a bare wire monkey mother holding a feeding bottle. The infant monkeys when stressed, went to the cloth mother, even refusing food in order to be comforted by the softness of cloth.

 

Can you receive love and comfort when you need it?

Can you give love and comfort to yourself when you need it, without alcohol or drugs?

How does it feel when no one else will give comfort to you?

 

I’m a monkey with a wire mother, and I really wish I had a terry cloth one. No, this is not about the female who birthed me, this is about my need for contact comfort that is woefully unmet.

 

But I doubt I’m alone.

 

How many hugs do you get each day?

 

Yesterday I got 5. Today 3. So far. And of those 8 hugs, zero were the quality squeeze I long for. The one that is full of joy to hold me. The hug that makes me feel wanted and safe and loved. Zero were from the man I live with who claims to love me, even though I have asked for daily hugs.

 

What does one do when one’s needs are unmet? Get them met elsewhere.

 

No one human can be all things for any one other human, but we still try sometimes to force another to do or be or say what we want them to do or be or say.

 

So other humans have to fill the void for us, whatever that is. For me, the less time I spend alone at home, the better. I am surprised to learn this about myself but I am such a social creature that aloneness eats away at my spirit.

 

But I fear all people.

 

Because they all have rejected me, abandoned me, or otherwise shown disdain. Those closest to me were the hardest to accept rejection from; family. But even worse, lovers who were so passionate, who made promises, who held me beautifully…and then didn’t ever again hold me.

 

I observe them avoiding touching me. Even holding an arm to their own body to avoid it drifting and touching me on ‘my’ side of the bed, when Lord of Lords how I long to be touched! So here’s the rub, many of us believe we are unworthy of touch.

 

It’s a self-denial of pleasure thing. Some demon from the past told me I was unworthy, so I therefore believe myself to be unworthy of this pleasure. Lack of self-worth and belief in our worthiness leads to this denial.

 

I have a potential lover, whom I find magnetic, but who refuses to make time for me, out of his own self-denial. This is also an addiction to our own suffering, possibly an attempt to magnify it; see how unloveable I am, as clearly I drive away those who might want me due to my inability to show a return of affection due to my belief that I am unworthy of it, or else I would step into my power to be able to manifest that which I desire and ACCEPT and ALLOW this love to flow to me and through me, this love that I am worthy of, this love that is the Creator creating though me and through my words and actions and LOVE making which is joyful and satisfying.

 

But so few of us believe ourselves worthy of this love. So many are hanging onto wire mothers. Or wireless bluetoothed mother babysitter knowledge entertainment boxes who occupy your time and minds so that you can justify the “too busyness” to fall in love with life and passion. Or else you would be making LOVE right now.

 

Jesse Klein writes in ‘You’ll Grow Out of It” that she is happy for her fiancé to leave for the day so she can masturbate. Um, gurl, why, no I mean WHY is your man not aware of your need for LOVE making? I know self-love is a gorgeous thing. I KNOW self-LOVE is a miraculous thing, and that sometimes not having your man cum too swiftly a disappointing eight hundred and sexty sixth time is a blessing that we can easily avoid. But…there’s a man, who supposedly loves you, within arm’s reach and who probably wants to know or even just enjoy the thought that you’re aroused, even if he chooses not to participate in your LOVE making, could surely appreciate the belief that he may at least play a small role in your fantasies.

 

Sigh. Missed opportunities to get Oxy. Tocin. Oxytocin is the cuddle, bonding hormone that makes us happy and feeling loved. I HIGHly encourage you to get HIGH on the LOVE Creating that is reaching out and touching someone. I got at least 4 hugs yesterday. I loved one of them more than the others, but they can’t be compared really. I’m so blessed for the fact that I get them.

 

I remember my trailer shitter maintenance guy, Skip, so memorably telling me “you gotta hug yourself everyday. I hug myself every day,” as he was emptying my shitter, which was full, and spraying it clean on the inside, to make sure that my sexy little 1982 Fleetwood Terry trailer had a smooth operating shitter, aka, blackwater tank.

 

Kyle Cease wants me to not fear the haters. The fake huggers. The shade casters. The mean gurls. The envious. In fact, Kyle says to get used to having 10,000 haters, because if you wanna soar with eagles, like Oprah, you gotta plan for 10,000 haters for every 10 million likes. If you wanna be big, and have a great big life, you gotta be accepting of that trash. In fact, you gotta LOVE it.

 

Picture your gorgeous, perfect life, for just a minute. That sense of relaxation, and ease. That sense of everything being taken care of by your army of minions who do your bidding and provide for your every whim. Now, try to keep that feeling going…while ruining it by picturing the most annoying human you know leaning WAY too close over your shoulder and doing that annoying thing they do or say. Rutting reavers on my lady balls, WHY did you picture that just now? It was SO nice right before that anus showed up. Painful.

 

And yet, this is the BIG life. The life of a Jesus. Jesus HAD to have had annoying followers. You know the one whom your minions all have been recently commiserating about and her most annoying habits, and then that very Judas approaches, and the poor, miserable minions all turn and drop their heads and mutter, “Oh fudge, here zhe comes?”

 

That person who can, but CANNOT unless you let them, ruin your peace. Abraham-Hicks says that in every situation there is wanted and unwanted, and that CONTRAST is a blessing that shows us what we want LESS of, which don Miguel Ruiz says helps us to learn what LOVE is NOT, by knowing what LOVE is NOT, we know what LOVE IS. Unwanted, is what love and beauty is NOT.

 

But what you find UNWANTED, may be WANTED by someone else. What if, for every undesirable, there was a perfect match? What if, for every person who disliked olives on their pizza, there was a person who disliked mushrooms on their pizza and they traded toppings into a perfect harmony for the rest of their bliss filled lives? And then sometimes, there’d be another unwanted person who showed up again. The pizza topping traders can now share a laugh about how unwanted that person was, because they could see with perfect clarity of CONTRAST what they did NOT want, so then they knew what they DID want, and they spent their lives seeking for that which they DID WANT for the rest of their LOVE Creating lives, for their highest GOOD and for the Highest Good of the planet and all mankind, forever and ever and expanding into the infinite?

 

What if, for every Dom/me, there was a Submissive who lived to clean house and accept being controlled by their Master or Mistress? What if, for every poison, there was an antidote? What if there was an ease for every dis-ease in the body? What if LOVE is just magnetism, your heart’s very magnetic field attracting that which is wanted?

 

I can I MAGE INe, the magickal world within own own world, that Alexander Mazzone describes, which is that fear and grief are the demons who we can become aware of, especially when we see them attach themselves to others, and this self-awareness of meanie demons allows for miraculous self, and other-healing.

 

So, LOVE is inside us when the night is dark and full of terrors, and no one is there to love us. But the dark terrors can be loveable ‘boo’ dragons if you can make friends with the fact that they just want hugs too. Their hugs feel different. Their hugs feel stunted and stand-offish and awkward. This is the feeling of the cold-pricklies of self-victimiztion, the oh, woe is me, I’m so unloveable, see how miserable and alone and unloveable I am? Go on, prove me wrong! This is the demon of depression and low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth. Do not feed this demon. You can hug him tho. Tell him he IS loveable and worthy. Hug the demon until he relaxes a little. You are not alone, even the terrors want your snuggles.

 

And IF you happen to be blessed enough to have a fiancé next to you when winter is coming, grab that blessing and get your dose of Oxytocin. It’ll make you feel miraculous, at least for a second until the delicious contrast demons show up and demand you prove them worthy of hugs.

 

Teresa (Tree) Profiri

 

Source

https://www.nytimes.com/2003/02/02/books/no-more-wire-mothers-ever.html